Happy Birthday Pat and Abby

Happy Birthday my loves. Its so hard for me to believe its been a year. Your big sister blew out your candles for you. I hope you heard us singing. I love you and miss you so.

Forgive my appearance. 3 weeks of bed rest and septic shock. I never fully realized how sick I was until I saw this picture. Right after Shawn took this picture I was taken to the ICU.

Venting

I haven't been around much. I was really doing okay until Tuesday. A "friend" of mine had her second child a beautiful healthy baby boy and I fell apart. I will admit that I've been struggling with their pregnancy form the get go. Which is such a change from how I've been handling other pregnancies around me. I understand a few of the reasons I've been over sensitive.
1. They know I'm infertile and yet they complain about getting pregnant on the first try. If your not ready don't try.
2. She was due on Pat and Abby's birthday. It is such a huge relief that he doesn't share a birthday with my triplets.
3. They have avoided Shawn and I like the plague. We've tried to spend time with them tried to talk with them. Case in point we invited them to spend the afternoon with us let our daughters play together. Visit watch a movie eat some pizza. They invited another couple without our knowledge. People we don't even know and spent the whole time visiting with this other couple like we weren't even there.
4. I still drug myself to her baby shower. Where she turned her nose up at my gift (gift certificate for hand and foot impressions) sorry I still can't pick out cute little boy outfits. At least this time she didn't ignore me.
I'm trying so desperately to save our friendship. I can't just cut her out of my life. Both of our families are taking on leadership roles in our church. She's not worth leaving the church we love and I don't see her going anywhere anytime soon. So I have to salvage this relationship. I'm sure my attitude will improve with time and I really do love the little guy and his parents they are just clueless to the unintentional pain they cause. I will calm down and I'm sure they will be forgiven by this time next week. Its just so raw right now. I just have no idea on how to educate them so they can understand when and how they have hurt us. They didn't hurt me by getting pregnant I wish them nothing but the best. I want them to have all the beautiful healthy children they want. It was all in their behavior towards us, and I'm sure they thought they were protecting us. Every time I tried to ask her how the pregnancy was going she would change the subject. I brought it up. If I don't want to know I wont ask! Okay that's enough venting. Thanks for reading. I will share about the balloon release tomorrow on Pat and Abby's day.

Happy Birthday Mackenzie Rae

Dearest Kenzie,
Today is you first birthday. I just wanted to tell you how glad I am that I got to be your mommy. You are such an amazing little girl. Your daddy and I still believe that you left my uterus because you knew you were sick, and you sacrificed yourself so that your brother and sister could have a chance. We love you so much and not a day goes by without me wishing you were here. I love you.

Wave of Light

Tonight I remember not only my triplets but all of the babies that should be here today.

10-30-08 The End

This may be a little graphic.

4 am I awoke shaking uncontrollably. For a moment I thought I was cold. It was the same kind of chills that you get when you have a fever. I waited for about ten minutes before I called the nurse. By the time she came in I couldn't hold still. It felt like every muscle in my body had cramped up and wouldn't let go. By the time Dr. C arrived I was crying and screaming from the pain. I had a slight fever so they drew blood to check my white cells. The nurses started calling Shawn and my Mom. They gave me Tylenol and Benadryl hoping that my muscles would relax. When that didn't work they gave me some Morphine. The blood work came back and my white cells were elevated with a shift to the left. But we already knew I was septic. My heart rate was in the 160's and my blood pressure was really low. My Mom was on her way. But the nurses couldn't get a hold of Shawn. He is such a sound sleeper. At 5 am I started having contractions. Dr. C was heart broken he really wanted to save my babies. The only thing that would stand a chance of stopping my contractions was the Terb. But my heart rate was too high to risk it. I told him "I know what's happening I have to deliver them." At about 6 am the shaking began to ease up it didn't stop until the next day. Shawn finally arrived completely clueless as to what was going on. I will never forget the look on his face when he realized that I would have to deliver. He never understood how sick I was until he was back at work and googled "septic shock". Dr. S came in at 8 am and removed the cerclage at that point I was at 5 cm. Dr. S said I could get an epidural at any time. Well the anesthesiologist would even come talk to me they can't give a septic patient an epidural it would have given me meningitis. So they gave me a Morphine drip. So I labored the next few hours breathing through the shakes and contractions. Shawn and my Mom by my side. There wasn't much conversation. I just had Shawn put our Coldplay CD on and tried to focus on the music. That's why those songs are on my play list. At 11 am Dr. S started me on Pitocin to hurry things along. My nurse J check me at 11:45 and said I was complete. I was told not to push as that could injure Pat and Abby. So I waited. At noon I began to feel something. I called for my nurse and let the contractions push Patrick from my body. Shawn says he saw Patrick do a flip in his sack before the nurse broke his bag of waters. The nurse cut his cord and laid him on my chest. It took almost 10 minutes before his placenta came out. I was trying so hard to focus on my time with Patrick but the contractions kept coming and the drugs had me feeling so foggy. A few moments later I felt something else coming and called for the nurse again. At 12:57 Abigail was delivered the same as her brother. When the nurse broke her bag of waters it was obvious she was sick. She was so hot to the touch she was burning up. As I held Abby, Shawn held Patrick. After I delivered Abby's placenta Shawn was able to hold them both while Dr. S had to extract Kenzie's placenta. They let me stay with my babies in L&D for the rest of the afternoon. But later that evening my breathing became labored so I was taken to the ICU. Both of my lungs had partially collapsed. So 24 hrs. in the ICU and 2 blood transfusions later, I was sent to the mother baby floor. Yet again Shawn's brother R had let us down. We had called R and told him what had happened with his promise that he would tell the rest of Shawn's family. So I was very surprised by a visit from his aunt and cousin thinking I was still pregnant. I regret the Morphine it did nothing for the pain and left me so numb. I didn't cry until I was sent to the ICU. I have very few clear memories from that day. Other than the physical sensations of the contractions and my babies slipping from my body. Those I will never forget.

Negative

So now I wait for my next cycle to start. Should be fun massive amounts of hormones on my triplets birthday's. All my lovely "symptoms" were real just not pregnancy symptoms. I guess I have my first bladder infection. So at least I'm not crazy.

3 Things

Number One: October wasn't supposed to come. My babies birthday's will be here soon. I wish I could skip this month. It can't be a year.

Number Two: I will finish the final chapter of our story before their birthday's.

Number Three: My beta is tomorrow. I feel pregnant but I'm afraid its all in my head.

Withdrawing

I've found myself quite conflicted lately. My babies birthday's are rapidly approaching. I can't even begin to put into words how that makes me feel. I sent out invitations to the balloon release last week. I'm not surprised that I've only received two replies. We only sent invitations to immediate family members. While I've accepted this behavior from our families. It leaves me wondering if we should have kept the balloon release just Shawn, Riley, and I. It just leaves me feeling so very tired.
But on the other hand. I'm full of hope. We finally finished our cycle. We had one beautiful follicle ready to go. My blood test is on the 5TH. I find myself to be a oxymoron of sorts. A fertile infertile. Every cycle I have ovulated I have conceived. But then I've only ever ovulated twice. So Shawn and I are trying to stay optimistic. I have a gut feeling that we are due for a failed cycle. But time will tell. Anyways the hope this cycle has brought to our family has left me feeling very conflicted. One minute I'm down in the dumps the next I'm happily planning my next pregnancy. Then I'm feeling guilty for feeling good.
Anyways my point is that all of this has me withdrawing from my blog, my friends, everything except for Shawn and Riley. So I hope you will all understand why I haven't been around or posting on other blogs. I hope to have this all figured out soon.

Hopeful

This is a dramatic change from how I was feeling just a few days ago. Funny how good news makes everything better. My cycle is finally moving in the right direction yesterdays scan showed a 14mm follie. So the plan is to trigger on Monday. Then I start the two week wait. I'm so excited that all these shots weren't for nothing. But I may have gotten ahead of myself. See I've always tried to surprise Shawn with the news that we are expecting. Not an easy task when he knows the date of my beta. I've even gone as far as begging my Dr. to let me test a day early. Well this time I won't be able to fib about the blood test. So feeling way too hopeful I ordered this shirt for Riley. With the wording changed to The Big Sister Again. Now I really do have to get pregnant.

Day 30

Yup today is my 30TH day of injections. So far nothing exciting to report. I have yet another scan tomorrow. Increasing my dosage has helped just not as much as we had hoped. I hope we will see some progress. If not I'm seriously thinking about calling it quits. Shawn starts school again on Monday. To say I've gotten spoiled is an understatement. Having him home at 5 has been great. He will be back to 6am to 9pm. Not real productive for baby making. So if this cycle is a bust. We will be forced to take a break until December. We hope to sneak in a cycle while he's on winter break.
I'm just feeling really defeated. This has been my longest most stressful cycle yet. I'm starting to think I just not meant to have anymore children. I got some great news today my dear sweet cousin A is pregnant again. Now she has had 3 losses. So she really deserves this. But I feel like a complete A$$. I want to be happy for her but I'm so jealous and angry. Why is it she can get pregnant so easily? Her husband is a accountant. So they were ttc so they could have a specific due date. Come on! I started this cycle hoping for a May due date and now it's June if I'm lucky. I would love nothing more than to throw a fit worthy of my two year old. Complete with throwing myself on the floor. My sweet husband just pats me on the shoulder(out of hitting range) and says "Maybe its just the hormones." After 30 days he might be right.

Riley Jean

Disclaimer... This is a letter I wrote to my beautiful girl. So if your not up to it that's okay. I really do understand.

9-12-09

To my beautiful Riley Jean,

After 5 years of infertility treatments your Daddy and I were overjoyed to learn that you were on your way. Then at 20 weeks the Dr's told us you might have Downs syndrome but we didn't care. Of all the problems they said you would have they never found the one thing that was wrong. You were born with two holes in your heart. It took your Dr. 2 months to figure out why you weren't growing. At 5 months old weighing in at only 9 pounds you had open heart surgery.

Today two years have passed. I can not believe the vivacious little girl you have become. I look back on your baby pictures and you look so tiny and fragile. Nothing like the bundle of joy and energy you are now. J was commenting on your beautiful laugh Sunday and I realized for the first time that your first laugh was after your surgery, you never had the energy before then. Your surgery was a frightening time for us. I thought I had faced the worst fear you would face as a parent. I had spent 3 months hovering over you praying for your little heart to be healed. I held you, prayed, and rocked you before they took you to the O.R. I now know that I was clueless. They brought you back to me. You have made a remarkable recovery. The only proof of your surgery that remains is the ever fading scar. I'm so thankful my love that you are healthy, whole, and here. You my dear sweet daughter have helped to heal my heart more than you will ever know. You are the reason I get up every morning. All my love, hugs, and kisses.
Mommy

Crappy Day

I had a crappy day today. I had an 8:30 am appointment at my GYN for a follicle check. I hate bringing my daughter with me. It is an OB office but they try to keep the morning appointments for fertility treatments. I'm always afraid that another woman struggling with infertility will see her. Some days I would like to put I sign around her neck that says "Miracle baby, Mommy and Daddy waited five years for me." But we are keeping this cycle a secret so I don't have a choice.

Today I wanted a sign around my neck. There is only one ultrasound machine in their office. So when 9:15 had come and gone I started to worry. Not for me, but why would someone need such a long ultrasound. It was 10am before I got my ultrasound. By the time I was done getting bad news about my cycle. Riley was in a full terrible two temper tantrum, I can't blame her. As I was scheduling my next appointment Riley hit the full hysterics portion of the fit. Throwing herself on the floor in front of the exit door. Well at the same moment this young woman and her husband are quickly heading for the exit. She is openly sobbing and all I could think was " No not another one." I tried desperately to get Riley out of the way. In that moment I wanted to tell her so much. I wanted her to know she was not alone. I wanted her to know that I understand her pain. I wanted to hold her and cry with her. I stood there wishing I had bereaved mother tattooed on my forehead. All I managed was "I'm sorry." I'm sure she thought I was apologizing about my daughter being in the way. I meant so much more.

As a side note two things.

1. For the few who are following my cycle. After 21 days of injections the one and only tiny follicle I have has shrunk dramatically. So Dr. M has now agreed to up my dosage. I really hope things improve soon. I hate PCOS.

2. Anyone know the best way to get smoke damage off your kitchen walls? Yep, I set my stove on fire. No one was injured but its been a really crappy day.

Memories

I was reduced to a blubbering mess today by one little picture. We sent this picture to my in-laws with the following message from Riley. "Hi Grandma and Grandpa. Mommy and Daddy told me I could tell you a big secret." Less than twenty min. after sending the e-mail we called them and told them to check their e-mail because we couldn't wait. I could hear my Mother in-law screaming across the room. We were all so happy. We didn't even know I was pregnant with triplets yet. That was only July 13TH of last year. It feels so long ago.

We went to PIG OUT this weekend its a local event where restaurants come to our park and serve all kinds of delicious food for under $9 a plate. Lots of live music, always a great time. All I could think of was how last year I had to show everyone in my family our first ultrasound photo and see how long it took them to notice how many babies there were. I also had to try 3 different plates of food before I could find something that wouldn't make me sick. I spent this year eating my first choice and wishing I was nauseous. I'm so tired of looking backwards. When will I be able to look forward again?

Questions

I had a lot of unanswered questions when I lost my babies. Most revolved around why? But as time went on I found that the answers to the majority of my questions didn't matter. Nothing would bring my babies back. Nothing would erase the pain of my new life as a bereaved mother. I've made peace with this.
Accept for one question. Why must some of us face multiple losses? I know that I fall into some sort of gray area where I have lost only one pregnancy with three babies in two deliveries. But why must some go through the pain of losing a pregnancy or child. Face their fears try again only to lose everything all over again? Haven't they endured enough? My heart aches for all who have lost so much. My heart goes out to Mirne and Craig http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/ as they mourn not only Jet but his big sister Freyja and big brother Kees. Also to my sweet cousin A missing sweet little Jacob and two other babies.
Hoping for a better day. Real real soon.

Help

Ladies I need your help. I'm really struggling lately. Sunday marked 10 months and 2weeks for Kenzie and 10 months for Pat and Abby. While that didn't set me back as much as I thought. I find myself overwhelmed by their approaching birthdays. Less than 2 months away. Has it really been that long? I've been writing my story in the hopes of purging some of this increasing sorrow. I miss then so much.
Its become more and more apparent that everyone around me feels like we should be over it by now. The constant questions? Are you pregnant? Are you trying? Do they think a new baby will make everything better. That we will have another child and forget about our triplets. Never! How do I make them understand that we will never be over this. That just because I've gotten better at not crying in public. Doesn't mean my heart's not in a thousand pieces everyday. We are not trying to replace our babies. We want Riley to have a sibling close in age and if that is going to happen well we have to try again (not looking promising on that front either).
I want to celebrate their birthdays. But here is were I need help. I don't know what to do. In a perfect world Shawn Riley and I would have a cake for each of them on their actual birthdays. And all of our family and friends would join us for a balloon release on the Saturday between their birthdays. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to drag out the celebrations over 3 weeks. Plus I don't think my family and friends would understand the balloon release. Shawn says to invite everyone and if they don't come to just forget them. But I can't do that. Every person that no showed would break my heart. But my babies deserve to be celebrated. And each on their special day. Sometimes I really wish they didn't have birthdays 2 weeks apart. So what would you do? Also any tips on how to put together an invitation that won't sound morbid or depressing. And for any of you that have done a balloon release. What did you do? What would you do differently? Any tips or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thanks.

10-24 to 10-29 The Calm Before The Storm

Things really started to look up after placing the cerclage. I was allowed to sit up during meals. And best of all no more catheter, bedpan and I was even allowed my first shower in 13 days. I nearly passed out when I stood up though. I was very weak and shaky still having the occasional bouts of contractions. I was so afraid to get out of that bed. For almost two weeks I had been laying on my back with my feet in the air. I had gotten so used to the idea of making a wrong move and having Kenzie fall out. That I didn't want to move. Laying in that bed had become my life line. At this point they started taking me to my daily ultrasounds still in my bed though. It was amazing to get out of my room for the first time. My first glimpse out a window brought me to tears. The leaves had changed colors. Everything was still bright and green when my water broke. The amazing benefit of going to the ultrasound was a better machine. I often wonder if the ultrasound techs. knew I was going to lose my babies. They gave me so many amazing pictures that now are so precious to me. 24 hours post cerclage I was still infection free and the Dr's in there infinite wisdom sent me to the anti-partum unit. Mind you the last 2 weeks I had been on the labor and delivery floor. I'm sure you can all imagine what it was like hearing new babies born everyday in the rooms around me. The nights after losing Kenzie were the worst. It was never the screaming moms or the babies it was the family members in the halls. One of my favorite night nurses would keep me updated about two other moms that were fighting to save their babies. I don't know what happened to them but I would pray and pray for them in the dark. In my opinion the anti-partum unit was worse that L&D. The families and babies were louder. The nurses didn't have a clue how to care for me. Most of them didn't know how to run my IV. My room change was short lived with in 24 hours I was back at L&D as my contractions increased. On the 27Th my Dr's agreed that if I was still infection free on the 31st that I would go home on the 1st. This was exciting and terrifying at the same time. How on earth would I be able to enforce strict bed rest with an 18 month old. On the 28TH I began to feel a little off. I had a stuffy nose and my lungs felt a little tight. Dr. C told me it was just a cold and that all my blood work looked great. My appetite also took a nose dive. Bad idea when you are on as much insulin as I was. I bottomed out my blood sugar. Now I know that these were my beginning symptoms. I must have know it was coming. That afternoon my brother had come for a visit. I had the "TALK" with him. What to do if I became septic and didn't make it. I told him when to pull the plug if it came to that. I showed him the urns I wanted for Pat and Abby. I even had one picked out for me. I saved letters to Shawn and Riley on his laptop. I knew my death was a very real possibility. The 29Th was a great day. My parents in an attempt to cheer me up surprised me with Riley dressed in her Halloween costume. My mother had made her the cutest clown costume. I was feeling better and Riley got to feel the babies for the first time. That was my last day with Pat and Abby.

Honest Scrap Award

Heather http://twoinheavenoneonearth.blogspot.com/ was so kind to nominate me for the Honest Scrap Award. Thank you so much Heather. I just spent most of the evening reading your blog for the first time. This really means a lot to me. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to start a blog. When I finally decided to put my hurt out there. I promised myself that I would write about everything and always be honest about how I was feeling. No matter what anyone else thought.



There are some rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.



1. Sarah http://footprintsofangels.blogspot.com/
2. Nan http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
3. Beth http://safeinthishouse.blogspot.com/
4. Courtney http://journey2babypeek.blogspot.com/
5. Kayla http://gpandcounting.blogspot.com/
6.Lea http://nicholastouch.blogspot.com/
7. BluebirdSinging http://singingtotheroses.blogspot.com/


And now 10 things about me:


1. I hate writing. I've never been good at it and I force myself to write this blog.

2. My husband told me he knew he would marry me the day we met. But I had to chase him for three months before he would date me.

3. I bought my first car when I was 20. I got my drivers licence 6 months later.

4. I drove with my brother from Washington state to Oklahoma in December 2003 with out stopping. When my husband returned from Iraq 4 months early because he was injured.

5. I have a 30 gallon aquarium with one angelfish I call Killer because it has eaten all of my other fish.

6. Our wedding was backwards. We had our reception before the ceremony. Which was a good thing considering my husband was an hour late.

7. My daughter Riley had open heart surgery when she was 5 months old.

8. I would love to work in the medical field. But I can't handle the sight of blood. So I took my second choice as a pharmacy technician.

9. I pulled over somewhere in the middle of Montana. Just to show my mother in law how to make a snow angel. She'd never seen snow before.

10. All 4 of my babies middle names honor one of their grandparents.

The Secret Garden Meeting August

The Secret Garden Meeting is a blog for bereaved parents.
August
If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.Did you have it ready for them before they were born?If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?Did you pack it all away?What is your baby's room now?If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now?If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

The only room in our house big enough for three cribs is our master bedroom. We were going to put 1 crib and 1 bassinet in our room for as long as we could. When that became to crowded. Shawn and I were going to move downstairs. We had moved Riley's changing table into our room. That is as far as we got. So the triplet's room is my bedroom. So many nights I lay in bed thinking I shouldn't be there. I should be listening to three sleeping babies not my dog snoring. We left the changing table in our room. Everything else is in our basement. I've been blindsided many times by the three car seats next to the freezer. If we are blessed with another child. We will have the crib in our room until their first birthday. After that I don't know.

Naive

My Brother told me last night that this cycle will fail. That brought me back to a memory. Of my first injectable cycle. After five years of treatment it was the first time I had ever ovulated. I was on my way out the door for my first ever beta (blood test). So I asked him if he thought I was pregnant. He looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm sorry Steph but no." The next time I saw him I marched right up to him and said " You were wrong Uncle Sam."
Uncle Sam... I was making the biggest assumption of my life. I assumed I would stay pregnant. I assumed there would be a baby. I will never be that naive again.

What a Day

I love being a Mom. But some days it can really throw you for a loop. I consider myself very fortunate that my Daughter is very rarely sick. She is 2 and has only had one ear infection and one bout with the flu. We joke that she fulfilled all her childhood illness requirements when she had open heart surgery (I will post about that some other time).
Were I'm I going with this you ask. I was caught totally unprepared this morning. I had to take Shawn to work (we only have one car) so I could have an ultrasound this morning. As I was unstrapping Riley from her car seat she said "Momma I really cold." and then proceeded to vomit all over herself, her car seat, and me. I was at a complete loss of what to do. I had a change of clothing for her but not myself. So I cleaned up the best I could and ran in to my Dr's office to see if I could skip the scan. No, but they did get me in and out as fast as possible. Then I made the mistake of trying to stop at the store to get her some Tylenol, chicken soup, and Gatorade. She was screaming the whole time. People in the store were actually pointing and laughing. I actually went off on this one woman who took Riley's picture. I know I'm hormonal right now but a complete stranger was taking a picture of my child. We made it home in one piece. And after a nice bubble bath some Tylenol and Gatorade she's fast asleep. At least until I have to wake her up to pick Shawn up from work. This time I'm bringing a bucket. And I can't stop laughing about it. I love being a Mom.

As a side note. After 10 days of shots and I have two 5mm follies on my left ovary. Grow babies grow. We are going to keep my dose low and slow. I'm hoping to trigger next weekend.

10-17 to 10-23 Cerclage

When Kenzie's water broke it was obvious that her amniotic sack had been infected. After her delivery the Dr's. clamped her cord and left her placenta intact. Removing her placenta would have put me into labor. We were very fearful about the infection and I was given two new IV antibiotics. It was a very difficult time for me. It was very hard to grieve for Kenzie when there was a constant influx of Dr's. and nurses. It was also a painful time for Shawn as his family was very distant. I fought hard to stay positive for Pat and Abby. It was particularly painful when family, friends, and even staff began to refer to Pat and Abby as twins. But I do have a few good memories from that week. My Grandfather came to visit me the day after we lost Kenzie. Because he was traveling he didn't learn of Kenzie's death until he arrived. His coming was a surprise for me. I think he got the bigger surprise. He didn't say much but I know he understands. He lost a son at birth, he would never talk about it. But I find comfort in his knowing. Right after he arrived I was visited by my Aunt K and cousins J and A. While we were visiting the ultrasound arrived. They would bring the whole machine to my room as I was still in bed on my head. The ultrasound technician was great and let my family stay to watch. So my dear Grandfather who had never seen an ultrasound before got to see Pat and Abby in action. She was fantastic she still called Abby baby B and Patrick baby C. Aunt K and my cousins were amazed to see Pat and Abby interact with each other. I only wish they had seen all three. Abby loved to jump on Kenzie. Poor little Kenzie always had her hands up above her like she was trying to push them away. Pat was always pretty quiet, as if to say here they go again. I wonder if they would have been like that outside of the womb. I like to picture Abby picking on Kenzie with Patrick off to the side rolling his eyes. At that same ultrasound we could see Abby's head bouncing up and down. For a moment we thought she had the hiccups. But she had her head resting on my aorta and her head was bouncing in tune with my heart beat. It was the only time we ever saw her hold still during an ultrasound. I like to think that my heart beat calmed her. The majority of the week was spent watching and waiting for the infection to spread. Dr. M finally decided that if I wasn't showing any sings of infection by Thursday the 23rd that they would clean Kenzie's remaining cord push it back through my cervix and put in a cerclage. Well the 23rd arrived with my blood counts looking great. So I had the cerclage that afternoon. They tried to keep me awake for the surgery but I was feeling way to much. So after I woke up they told me that Kenzie's cord had retracted sometime before the surgery. Which was worrisome because it could have taken bacteria into my uterus. With the cerclage in place I was allowed to lay flat. Its hard enough eating while laying down but laying flat really helps. That night I began to have some contractions. They stopped the contractions quickly with Terbutiline. I was told the contractions were a reaction to the cerclage. Little did we know that it was really the beginning of the end.

10-12 to 10-16-2008 Mackenzie's Story

The next morning I got my ultrasound. We were surprised by what we saw. Abby and Pat were just fine. But our dear sweet baby A Mackenzie's bag of waters had ruptured and resealed. The Dr. C (on call OB) said as long as she had fluid she would have a chance. Her fluid levels were looking good but the bigger problem was that she was halfway through my cervix. Dr. S (my Perinatologist) suggested delivery of all three triplets. Dr. M (my OB) suggested waiting a week to watch for infection and then trying to push her back up into my uterus and putting in a cerclage. We decided to wait and revisit the cerclage idea. So I spent the 12Th and 13Th on my head while being pumped full of drugs. Indocin for contractions, Protonix for acid reflux, and three IV antibiotics to fight off any infections. By the 14Th the Dr's. seemed hopeful I wasn't showing any sings of infection. But we got quite a surprise when I had my ultrasound. Mackenzie had completely passed my cervix and was sitting in my vagina. My cervix had actually closed up only open enough for Kenzie's cord. It was so strange seeing her on the ultrasound. I panicked thinking that I would be forced to deliver her. The Dr's. said they wouldn't take her until 24 weeks as long as she still had fluid. I was so afraid that I would make one wrong move and she would come. I tried so hard not to sneeze never let myself cough. My dear Aunt K asked me what it felt like to have her there. The only way I knew to describe it was like having a very large tampon that was kicking you. I never in a million years though I would know the sensation of being kicked on both sides of my cervix by two different babies. After Mackenzie left my uterus Patrick our baby C flipped into baby B's spot pushing Abby up to the top. Abby really seemed to enjoy the extra room I was getting daily ultrasounds at that point. She would flip and roll like crazy. One ultrasound she would be breech then the next she would be transverse. They could never find her with the monitor she was always trying to get away. I was doing my best to be positive. My family and friends were amazing everyone pulled together to help Shawn with Riley. I missed her so much, she could only handle so much time at the hospital before boredom set in. By the morning of the 16TH my Dr's were sounding down right cheerful. They gave us three options all with possible benefits and drawbacks. 1. to deliver Kenzie and place a cerclage in the hopes of saving Pat and Abby. 2. Push Kenzie back up and put in a cerclage. 3. Do nothing. We vetoed option 1 immediately. That really pissed of Dr. S ( we really don't like him). Shawn and I began to pray. We had no idea what would be the right answer. After hours of prayer I told God I couldn't choose that I needed an answer. That's when Kenzie's water broke for the second time. God gave me my answer. We called our families. Shawn's brother R actually asked Shawn if we were excited, He didn't have a clue what was really happening poor Shawn screamed at him "She's going to die and I'm supposed to be excited".

Dr. C was the first to respond. He said we no longer had a choice. I wasn't having any contractions. So Dr. M said he would need to extract her because they didn't want me to go into labor. This is what I remember. Dr. M and Dr. C seemed to have a hard time deciding who would do it. I don't think it was something either one wanted to do. It was agreed that Dr. M would do it, but I love Dr. C for staying. As Dr. M started he told me that she might be injured when he pulled her out. That she might lose an arm or leg. I lost it I began to scream it was bad enough that she was going to die. I needed her to be whole. I was screaming "OW OW OW". But it didn't hurt that bad I was so scared I didn't know what else to do. Shawn was holding one leg my Mom the other. She asked me if I was okay. I remember telling her I was just scared. The moment she was out Dr. M put her on my stomach. I cried out "Oh my baby". At that moment I made eye contact with Dr. C he was crying. After that all my attention was on Mackenzie. She was whole and perfect so beautiful and tiny. As I picked her up she grabbed on to my finger. I don't know how long she lived. But Shawn my Mother and I were all able to hold, kiss, and love her.

Thankful

I am so thankful for so many things in my life. My husband my daughter. The 20 weeks I had with my triplets. But I wanted to share two things I'm especially thankful for today. Two things that have turned a lousy down in the dumps day. Into a day of feeling loved and appreciated.

1. Dear sweet Nan http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/ sent me this beautiful picture from her girl's garden. She has been such a wonderful friend to me these last few months.

2. Riley this morning for the first time put her little lips to my ear and whispered "I love you Mommy". That was the greatest moment of my life.

Thank you both so much.

10-11-2008 My Water Breaks

The morning my water broke I knew they were gone. I held out hope until the very end but I knew in my heart it was over. There is no going back. I was forever changed by what happened over the next 3 weeks.
I was getting ready to meet up with my Mother that morning. She had convinced me to take a quilting class with her (I hate to sew). We were going to make quilts for the triplets. As I was waiting for my Mom to show up (she is always late). I figured I had plenty of time to pee before she arrived. Sitting down I heard and felt a pop and then the gush. I knew my water had broken.I began to cry out "OH GOD NO!". Over and over again. As I rocked back and forth on the toilet. Shawn was still sleeping and I could hear Riley beginning to wake up. Somehow I managed to pull myself together long enough to wake up Shawn and get Riley out of her crib. I remember calling my Dr's. office they said to go strait to the hospital. After I hung up the contractions started. It was then that I began to sob. I will never forget the sudden look of anguish on my Daughters face. She burst into tears. ( I still can't cry in front of her it breaks her heart) It wasn't long before my Mom arrived we left her at the house with Riley.
Shawn and I drove to the hospital. I don't remember saying anything other than timing the contractions that were coming every 2 to 3 min. I remember walking up to the front desk at labor and delivery. The nurse already knew my name. My Dr. must have called ahead. The nurses must have known who I was because I was crying and shaking. They took me straight back to a room. I began to change into a gown. The nurse asked if I was bleeding "No... wait I am bleeding" I began to panic again. Soon the Dr. on call came in he tested for amniotic fluid it was positive. They started an IV gave me fluids and Morphine (sometimes Morphine can stop contractions by relaxing your muscles). Over the next few hours the contractions stopped. They never could tell me just how far dilated I was because I had a bulging bag of waters. To reach up and feel my cervix they would risk another rupture. So they put me in the Trandelmburg position (on your back feet above your head). They said IF I made it through the night with out any fever or contractions. I could have an ultrasound to check on the babies and we would discuss any options we might have.

Melt My Heart

I have a beautiful triple silver ring with the babies names on it. http://www.nelleandlizzy.com/index.php?p=product&id=1&parent=1
Riley asked to wear my ring this morning. When I gave it to her she looked at it and said "Kenzie, Abby baby sisters". It took everything I had not to cry. I've told her about them on occasion. I never knew she was listening.

I Wish

I wish....
My babies were here.
My daughter was 100% healthy.
There was no such thing as infertility.
I had a DVD recording of the triplets ultrasounds.
I could hold them again.
My family would talk about them.
We had a memorial service.
I could keep their urns somewhere other than my closet.
I knew for sure if Kenzie and Abby were identical.
I knew if it was my fault.
I were pregnant.
I wish...

Apologies

I'm sorry. This blog has been nothing but me bitching. Anger is so much easier than what I'm really feeling. I want this blog to be honest and complete. But I'm finding it very difficult to put my pain out there. I have never had a journal or diary. My Mom always said don't wright anything down you don't want everyone to know. Its always stuck with me.
There are so many things I would like to share. The whole story regarding my hospital stay and babies births. I'm not sure where to start. But I'm going to give it a try.
As a side note, I'm still fighting with the pharmacy. But was able to start my injections last night. I'm putting it all in God's hands.

Frustration Part 2

I started my cycle today. And it looks like I might be out already. My Dr. is out of town until Monday so no dosage. I can't and won't hold that against him his brother died. Although why the other Dr at that office can't give me a starting dose I don't understand. The pharmacy had ordered my meds for today but didn't get them with the shipment so I won't be getting the Repronex until Tuesday. I really let them have it. I keep telling myself that he will let me start on CD 5 (yeah right). I was really hoping to be pg by the triplets birthdays. Oh well. Off to have a good cry now.

Frustration

Frustration Why is it that every time I try to plan ahead and get ahead of the game it never works. I dropped off my Repronex prescription 3 weeks ago and its still not ready. I knew that it was going to take awhile to get the insurance sorted out. So I thought 2 weeks would be plenty of time. For those of you that don't know I was a pharmacy technicion prior to becoming a SAHM. So I know exactly what is required in getting this medication approved. I have in fact been doing most of the leg work myself. It seems the staff at said pharmacy cannot be bothered to pick up a phone. So I have had to call my Dr's. office twice and my insurance company once. And its still not ready. I will soon be transferring my scripts to yet another pharmacy. I only hope I will get the meds before I have to cancel my cycle. So frustrating!!!

Go Figure

Well I think its safe to say here that DH and I are TTC. We started in April with the knowledge that my PCOS would make getting pregnant with out help a true miracle. In the 6 years total we have spent TTC I have only ovulated twice, both times we conceived. So over the last 4 months I have charted my cycles and prayed. Two weeks ago we decided to use the Repronex again. I went to the Dr. got my scripts and started progesterone on the 1st to induce AF. Well guess what my chart shows that I might have ovulated on the 3rd. Well now my hopes are up. I really wasn't looking forward to the daily injections. I already have to do that when I'm pregnant. I really would love to have another miracle baby on my hands. So let the obssesing begin.

Our story

I wanted to start with the story of our triplets. But I'm really having a hard time putting it into words.
To start we struggled with infertility for 5 years before we were blessed with our miracle Riley. So we were really surprised with how quickly we conceived for the second time. We knew that there would always be a chance for multiples given the fertility meds I had taken. I really thought we were going to have twins. We were completely blown away when we saw 3. Other than Dr. M's concern for baby C at first. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I took Zofran 24-7, and tried to figure out how to care for 4 kids under 2. Dr. S had promised me bed-rest at 18 weeks so I was just tying up our lose ends.
On Oct 8Th we had our BIG ULTRASOUND. We then discovered we were having 2 girls and 1 boy. It was only 3 days later that Mackenzie's water broke. I was admitted to the hospital on strict bed-rest. Despite our best efforts Mackenzie was born 5 days later on Oct 16Th 2008 at 18 weeks and 2 days. It was obvious with her delivery that her aimniotic sack had been infected.
For the next 2 weeks we fought for Patrick and Abigail. But on Oct 30Th the infection won. I became septic and was forced to deliver my babies or die.
I will forever be greatfull for the short time my babies lived. I will never forget Kenzie grabing hold of my finger. I'm so glad we were able to hold them kiss them take thier pictures. Well thats all I can write for now.

Hi There

Hello everyone, welcome to my blog. I'm new to this so bear with me. I hope to use this blog as a sounding board for my struggles with life, love, faith, parenting, and infertility after the loss of my precious triplets. I also hope that this blog will morph over time from a story of grief to that of hope and one day joy. So please join me as I'm sure this will be a bumpy ride.