Tuesday, October 6, 2009

10-30-08 The End

This may be a little graphic.

4 am I awoke shaking uncontrollably. For a moment I thought I was cold. It was the same kind of chills that you get when you have a fever. I waited for about ten minutes before I called the nurse. By the time she came in I couldn't hold still. It felt like every muscle in my body had cramped up and wouldn't let go. By the time Dr. C arrived I was crying and screaming from the pain. I had a slight fever so they drew blood to check my white cells. The nurses started calling Shawn and my Mom. They gave me Tylenol and Benadryl hoping that my muscles would relax. When that didn't work they gave me some Morphine. The blood work came back and my white cells were elevated with a shift to the left. But we already knew I was septic. My heart rate was in the 160's and my blood pressure was really low. My Mom was on her way. But the nurses couldn't get a hold of Shawn. He is such a sound sleeper. At 5 am I started having contractions. Dr. C was heart broken he really wanted to save my babies. The only thing that would stand a chance of stopping my contractions was the Terb. But my heart rate was too high to risk it. I told him "I know what's happening I have to deliver them." At about 6 am the shaking began to ease up it didn't stop until the next day. Shawn finally arrived completely clueless as to what was going on. I will never forget the look on his face when he realized that I would have to deliver. He never understood how sick I was until he was back at work and googled "septic shock". Dr. S came in at 8 am and removed the cerclage at that point I was at 5 cm. Dr. S said I could get an epidural at any time. Well the anesthesiologist would even come talk to me they can't give a septic patient an epidural it would have given me meningitis. So they gave me a Morphine drip. So I labored the next few hours breathing through the shakes and contractions. Shawn and my Mom by my side. There wasn't much conversation. I just had Shawn put our Coldplay CD on and tried to focus on the music. That's why those songs are on my play list. At 11 am Dr. S started me on Pitocin to hurry things along. My nurse J check me at 11:45 and said I was complete. I was told not to push as that could injure Pat and Abby. So I waited. At noon I began to feel something. I called for my nurse and let the contractions push Patrick from my body. Shawn says he saw Patrick do a flip in his sack before the nurse broke his bag of waters. The nurse cut his cord and laid him on my chest. It took almost 10 minutes before his placenta came out. I was trying so hard to focus on my time with Patrick but the contractions kept coming and the drugs had me feeling so foggy. A few moments later I felt something else coming and called for the nurse again. At 12:57 Abigail was delivered the same as her brother. When the nurse broke her bag of waters it was obvious she was sick. She was so hot to the touch she was burning up. As I held Abby, Shawn held Patrick. After I delivered Abby's placenta Shawn was able to hold them both while Dr. S had to extract Kenzie's placenta. They let me stay with my babies in L&D for the rest of the afternoon. But later that evening my breathing became labored so I was taken to the ICU. Both of my lungs had partially collapsed. So 24 hrs. in the ICU and 2 blood transfusions later, I was sent to the mother baby floor. Yet again Shawn's brother R had let us down. We had called R and told him what had happened with his promise that he would tell the rest of Shawn's family. So I was very surprised by a visit from his aunt and cousin thinking I was still pregnant. I regret the Morphine it did nothing for the pain and left me so numb. I didn't cry until I was sent to the ICU. I have very few clear memories from that day. Other than the physical sensations of the contractions and my babies slipping from my body. Those I will never forget.


  1. Oh Steph, my heart is breaking for you and for your babies. I went back and reread your previous posts about the births. I'm so sorry that you had to endure such trauma, such heartache.

    I may have missed this, but did the doctor's diagnose you with incompetent cervix? Are you going to do a cerclage next time?

    I love that you played music during their births. That sounds really beautiful.

  2. ((HUGS)) I just don't know what to say. I wish things could have been different. I am so sorry for your loss.

  3. **Tears** I know how hard this was for you to write. Praying for your angels and for them to feel the love you have for them every day. Love, Nan xo

  4. Reading this breaks my heart for you. I am so so sorry that you had to endure this awful pain.
    I am thinking of you and your beautiful babies.