Monday, August 31, 2009

10-24 to 10-29 The Calm Before The Storm

Things really started to look up after placing the cerclage. I was allowed to sit up during meals. And best of all no more catheter, bedpan and I was even allowed my first shower in 13 days. I nearly passed out when I stood up though. I was very weak and shaky still having the occasional bouts of contractions. I was so afraid to get out of that bed. For almost two weeks I had been laying on my back with my feet in the air. I had gotten so used to the idea of making a wrong move and having Kenzie fall out. That I didn't want to move. Laying in that bed had become my life line. At this point they started taking me to my daily ultrasounds still in my bed though. It was amazing to get out of my room for the first time. My first glimpse out a window brought me to tears. The leaves had changed colors. Everything was still bright and green when my water broke. The amazing benefit of going to the ultrasound was a better machine. I often wonder if the ultrasound techs. knew I was going to lose my babies. They gave me so many amazing pictures that now are so precious to me. 24 hours post cerclage I was still infection free and the Dr's in there infinite wisdom sent me to the anti-partum unit. Mind you the last 2 weeks I had been on the labor and delivery floor. I'm sure you can all imagine what it was like hearing new babies born everyday in the rooms around me. The nights after losing Kenzie were the worst. It was never the screaming moms or the babies it was the family members in the halls. One of my favorite night nurses would keep me updated about two other moms that were fighting to save their babies. I don't know what happened to them but I would pray and pray for them in the dark. In my opinion the anti-partum unit was worse that L&D. The families and babies were louder. The nurses didn't have a clue how to care for me. Most of them didn't know how to run my IV. My room change was short lived with in 24 hours I was back at L&D as my contractions increased. On the 27Th my Dr's agreed that if I was still infection free on the 31st that I would go home on the 1st. This was exciting and terrifying at the same time. How on earth would I be able to enforce strict bed rest with an 18 month old. On the 28TH I began to feel a little off. I had a stuffy nose and my lungs felt a little tight. Dr. C told me it was just a cold and that all my blood work looked great. My appetite also took a nose dive. Bad idea when you are on as much insulin as I was. I bottomed out my blood sugar. Now I know that these were my beginning symptoms. I must have know it was coming. That afternoon my brother had come for a visit. I had the "TALK" with him. What to do if I became septic and didn't make it. I told him when to pull the plug if it came to that. I showed him the urns I wanted for Pat and Abby. I even had one picked out for me. I saved letters to Shawn and Riley on his laptop. I knew my death was a very real possibility. The 29Th was a great day. My parents in an attempt to cheer me up surprised me with Riley dressed in her Halloween costume. My mother had made her the cutest clown costume. I was feeling better and Riley got to feel the babies for the first time. That was my last day with Pat and Abby.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Honest Scrap Award

Heather was so kind to nominate me for the Honest Scrap Award. Thank you so much Heather. I just spent most of the evening reading your blog for the first time. This really means a lot to me. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to start a blog. When I finally decided to put my hurt out there. I promised myself that I would write about everything and always be honest about how I was feeling. No matter what anyone else thought.

There are some rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.

1. Sarah
2. Nan
3. Beth
4. Courtney
5. Kayla
7. BluebirdSinging

And now 10 things about me:

1. I hate writing. I've never been good at it and I force myself to write this blog.

2. My husband told me he knew he would marry me the day we met. But I had to chase him for three months before he would date me.

3. I bought my first car when I was 20. I got my drivers licence 6 months later.

4. I drove with my brother from Washington state to Oklahoma in December 2003 with out stopping. When my husband returned from Iraq 4 months early because he was injured.

5. I have a 30 gallon aquarium with one angelfish I call Killer because it has eaten all of my other fish.

6. Our wedding was backwards. We had our reception before the ceremony. Which was a good thing considering my husband was an hour late.

7. My daughter Riley had open heart surgery when she was 5 months old.

8. I would love to work in the medical field. But I can't handle the sight of blood. So I took my second choice as a pharmacy technician.

9. I pulled over somewhere in the middle of Montana. Just to show my mother in law how to make a snow angel. She'd never seen snow before.

10. All 4 of my babies middle names honor one of their grandparents.

Saturday, August 29, 2009

The Secret Garden Meeting August

The Secret Garden Meeting is a blog for bereaved parents.
If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.Did you have it ready for them before they were born?If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?Did you pack it all away?What is your baby's room now?If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now?If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

The only room in our house big enough for three cribs is our master bedroom. We were going to put 1 crib and 1 bassinet in our room for as long as we could. When that became to crowded. Shawn and I were going to move downstairs. We had moved Riley's changing table into our room. That is as far as we got. So the triplet's room is my bedroom. So many nights I lay in bed thinking I shouldn't be there. I should be listening to three sleeping babies not my dog snoring. We left the changing table in our room. Everything else is in our basement. I've been blindsided many times by the three car seats next to the freezer. If we are blessed with another child. We will have the crib in our room until their first birthday. After that I don't know.

Friday, August 28, 2009


My Brother told me last night that this cycle will fail. That brought me back to a memory. Of my first injectable cycle. After five years of treatment it was the first time I had ever ovulated. I was on my way out the door for my first ever beta (blood test). So I asked him if he thought I was pregnant. He looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm sorry Steph but no." The next time I saw him I marched right up to him and said " You were wrong Uncle Sam."
Uncle Sam... I was making the biggest assumption of my life. I assumed I would stay pregnant. I assumed there would be a baby. I will never be that naive again.

What a Day

I love being a Mom. But some days it can really throw you for a loop. I consider myself very fortunate that my Daughter is very rarely sick. She is 2 and has only had one ear infection and one bout with the flu. We joke that she fulfilled all her childhood illness requirements when she had open heart surgery (I will post about that some other time).
Were I'm I going with this you ask. I was caught totally unprepared this morning. I had to take Shawn to work (we only have one car) so I could have an ultrasound this morning. As I was unstrapping Riley from her car seat she said "Momma I really cold." and then proceeded to vomit all over herself, her car seat, and me. I was at a complete loss of what to do. I had a change of clothing for her but not myself. So I cleaned up the best I could and ran in to my Dr's office to see if I could skip the scan. No, but they did get me in and out as fast as possible. Then I made the mistake of trying to stop at the store to get her some Tylenol, chicken soup, and Gatorade. She was screaming the whole time. People in the store were actually pointing and laughing. I actually went off on this one woman who took Riley's picture. I know I'm hormonal right now but a complete stranger was taking a picture of my child. We made it home in one piece. And after a nice bubble bath some Tylenol and Gatorade she's fast asleep. At least until I have to wake her up to pick Shawn up from work. This time I'm bringing a bucket. And I can't stop laughing about it. I love being a Mom.

As a side note. After 10 days of shots and I have two 5mm follies on my left ovary. Grow babies grow. We are going to keep my dose low and slow. I'm hoping to trigger next weekend.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

10-17 to 10-23 Cerclage

When Kenzie's water broke it was obvious that her amniotic sack had been infected. After her delivery the Dr's. clamped her cord and left her placenta intact. Removing her placenta would have put me into labor. We were very fearful about the infection and I was given two new IV antibiotics. It was a very difficult time for me. It was very hard to grieve for Kenzie when there was a constant influx of Dr's. and nurses. It was also a painful time for Shawn as his family was very distant. I fought hard to stay positive for Pat and Abby. It was particularly painful when family, friends, and even staff began to refer to Pat and Abby as twins. But I do have a few good memories from that week. My Grandfather came to visit me the day after we lost Kenzie. Because he was traveling he didn't learn of Kenzie's death until he arrived. His coming was a surprise for me. I think he got the bigger surprise. He didn't say much but I know he understands. He lost a son at birth, he would never talk about it. But I find comfort in his knowing. Right after he arrived I was visited by my Aunt K and cousins J and A. While we were visiting the ultrasound arrived. They would bring the whole machine to my room as I was still in bed on my head. The ultrasound technician was great and let my family stay to watch. So my dear Grandfather who had never seen an ultrasound before got to see Pat and Abby in action. She was fantastic she still called Abby baby B and Patrick baby C. Aunt K and my cousins were amazed to see Pat and Abby interact with each other. I only wish they had seen all three. Abby loved to jump on Kenzie. Poor little Kenzie always had her hands up above her like she was trying to push them away. Pat was always pretty quiet, as if to say here they go again. I wonder if they would have been like that outside of the womb. I like to picture Abby picking on Kenzie with Patrick off to the side rolling his eyes. At that same ultrasound we could see Abby's head bouncing up and down. For a moment we thought she had the hiccups. But she had her head resting on my aorta and her head was bouncing in tune with my heart beat. It was the only time we ever saw her hold still during an ultrasound. I like to think that my heart beat calmed her. The majority of the week was spent watching and waiting for the infection to spread. Dr. M finally decided that if I wasn't showing any sings of infection by Thursday the 23rd that they would clean Kenzie's remaining cord push it back through my cervix and put in a cerclage. Well the 23rd arrived with my blood counts looking great. So I had the cerclage that afternoon. They tried to keep me awake for the surgery but I was feeling way to much. So after I woke up they told me that Kenzie's cord had retracted sometime before the surgery. Which was worrisome because it could have taken bacteria into my uterus. With the cerclage in place I was allowed to lay flat. Its hard enough eating while laying down but laying flat really helps. That night I began to have some contractions. They stopped the contractions quickly with Terbutiline. I was told the contractions were a reaction to the cerclage. Little did we know that it was really the beginning of the end.

Sunday, August 23, 2009

10-12 to 10-16-2008 Mackenzie's Story

The next morning I got my ultrasound. We were surprised by what we saw. Abby and Pat were just fine. But our dear sweet baby A Mackenzie's bag of waters had ruptured and resealed. The Dr. C (on call OB) said as long as she had fluid she would have a chance. Her fluid levels were looking good but the bigger problem was that she was halfway through my cervix. Dr. S (my Perinatologist) suggested delivery of all three triplets. Dr. M (my OB) suggested waiting a week to watch for infection and then trying to push her back up into my uterus and putting in a cerclage. We decided to wait and revisit the cerclage idea. So I spent the 12Th and 13Th on my head while being pumped full of drugs. Indocin for contractions, Protonix for acid reflux, and three IV antibiotics to fight off any infections. By the 14Th the Dr's. seemed hopeful I wasn't showing any sings of infection. But we got quite a surprise when I had my ultrasound. Mackenzie had completely passed my cervix and was sitting in my vagina. My cervix had actually closed up only open enough for Kenzie's cord. It was so strange seeing her on the ultrasound. I panicked thinking that I would be forced to deliver her. The Dr's. said they wouldn't take her until 24 weeks as long as she still had fluid. I was so afraid that I would make one wrong move and she would come. I tried so hard not to sneeze never let myself cough. My dear Aunt K asked me what it felt like to have her there. The only way I knew to describe it was like having a very large tampon that was kicking you. I never in a million years though I would know the sensation of being kicked on both sides of my cervix by two different babies. After Mackenzie left my uterus Patrick our baby C flipped into baby B's spot pushing Abby up to the top. Abby really seemed to enjoy the extra room I was getting daily ultrasounds at that point. She would flip and roll like crazy. One ultrasound she would be breech then the next she would be transverse. They could never find her with the monitor she was always trying to get away. I was doing my best to be positive. My family and friends were amazing everyone pulled together to help Shawn with Riley. I missed her so much, she could only handle so much time at the hospital before boredom set in. By the morning of the 16TH my Dr's were sounding down right cheerful. They gave us three options all with possible benefits and drawbacks. 1. to deliver Kenzie and place a cerclage in the hopes of saving Pat and Abby. 2. Push Kenzie back up and put in a cerclage. 3. Do nothing. We vetoed option 1 immediately. That really pissed of Dr. S ( we really don't like him). Shawn and I began to pray. We had no idea what would be the right answer. After hours of prayer I told God I couldn't choose that I needed an answer. That's when Kenzie's water broke for the second time. God gave me my answer. We called our families. Shawn's brother R actually asked Shawn if we were excited, He didn't have a clue what was really happening poor Shawn screamed at him "She's going to die and I'm supposed to be excited".

Dr. C was the first to respond. He said we no longer had a choice. I wasn't having any contractions. So Dr. M said he would need to extract her because they didn't want me to go into labor. This is what I remember. Dr. M and Dr. C seemed to have a hard time deciding who would do it. I don't think it was something either one wanted to do. It was agreed that Dr. M would do it, but I love Dr. C for staying. As Dr. M started he told me that she might be injured when he pulled her out. That she might lose an arm or leg. I lost it I began to scream it was bad enough that she was going to die. I needed her to be whole. I was screaming "OW OW OW". But it didn't hurt that bad I was so scared I didn't know what else to do. Shawn was holding one leg my Mom the other. She asked me if I was okay. I remember telling her I was just scared. The moment she was out Dr. M put her on my stomach. I cried out "Oh my baby". At that moment I made eye contact with Dr. C he was crying. After that all my attention was on Mackenzie. She was whole and perfect so beautiful and tiny. As I picked her up she grabbed on to my finger. I don't know how long she lived. But Shawn my Mother and I were all able to hold, kiss, and love her.


I am so thankful for so many things in my life. My husband my daughter. The 20 weeks I had with my triplets. But I wanted to share two things I'm especially thankful for today. Two things that have turned a lousy down in the dumps day. Into a day of feeling loved and appreciated.

1. Dear sweet Nan sent me this beautiful picture from her girl's garden. She has been such a wonderful friend to me these last few months.

2. Riley this morning for the first time put her little lips to my ear and whispered "I love you Mommy". That was the greatest moment of my life.
Thank you both so much.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

10-11-2008 My Water Breaks

The morning my water broke I knew they were gone. I held out hope until the very end but I knew in my heart it was over. There is no going back. I was forever changed by what happened over the next 3 weeks.
I was getting ready to meet up with my Mother that morning. She had convinced me to take a quilting class with her (I hate to sew). We were going to make quilts for the triplets. As I was waiting for my Mom to show up (she is always late). I figured I had plenty of time to pee before she arrived. Sitting down I heard and felt a pop and then the gush. I knew my water had broken.I began to cry out "OH GOD NO!". Over and over again. As I rocked back and forth on the toilet. Shawn was still sleeping and I could hear Riley beginning to wake up. Somehow I managed to pull myself together long enough to wake up Shawn and get Riley out of her crib. I remember calling my Dr's. office they said to go strait to the hospital. After I hung up the contractions started. It was then that I began to sob. I will never forget the sudden look of anguish on my Daughters face. She burst into tears. ( I still can't cry in front of her it breaks her heart) It wasn't long before my Mom arrived we left her at the house with Riley.
Shawn and I drove to the hospital. I don't remember saying anything other than timing the contractions that were coming every 2 to 3 min. I remember walking up to the front desk at labor and delivery. The nurse already knew my name. My Dr. must have called ahead. The nurses must have known who I was because I was crying and shaking. They took me straight back to a room. I began to change into a gown. The nurse asked if I was bleeding "No... wait I am bleeding" I began to panic again. Soon the Dr. on call came in he tested for amniotic fluid it was positive. They started an IV gave me fluids and Morphine (sometimes Morphine can stop contractions by relaxing your muscles). Over the next few hours the contractions stopped. They never could tell me just how far dilated I was because I had a bulging bag of waters. To reach up and feel my cervix they would risk another rupture. So they put me in the Trandelmburg position (on your back feet above your head). They said IF I made it through the night with out any fever or contractions. I could have an ultrasound to check on the babies and we would discuss any options we might have.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Melt My Heart

I have a beautiful triple silver ring with the babies names on it.
Riley asked to wear my ring this morning. When I gave it to her she looked at it and said "Kenzie, Abby baby sisters". It took everything I had not to cry. I've told her about them on occasion. I never knew she was listening.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

I Wish

I wish....
My babies were here.
My daughter was 100% healthy.
There was no such thing as infertility.
I had a DVD recording of the triplets ultrasounds.
I could hold them again.
My family would talk about them.
We had a memorial service.
I could keep their urns somewhere other than my closet.
I knew for sure if Kenzie and Abby were identical.
I knew if it was my fault.
I were pregnant.
I wish...


I'm sorry. This blog has been nothing but me bitching. Anger is so much easier than what I'm really feeling. I want this blog to be honest and complete. But I'm finding it very difficult to put my pain out there. I have never had a journal or diary. My Mom always said don't wright anything down you don't want everyone to know. Its always stuck with me.
There are so many things I would like to share. The whole story regarding my hospital stay and babies births. I'm not sure where to start. But I'm going to give it a try.
As a side note, I'm still fighting with the pharmacy. But was able to start my injections last night. I'm putting it all in God's hands.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Frustration Part 2

I started my cycle today. And it looks like I might be out already. My Dr. is out of town until Monday so no dosage. I can't and won't hold that against him his brother died. Although why the other Dr at that office can't give me a starting dose I don't understand. The pharmacy had ordered my meds for today but didn't get them with the shipment so I won't be getting the Repronex until Tuesday. I really let them have it. I keep telling myself that he will let me start on CD 5 (yeah right). I was really hoping to be pg by the triplets birthdays. Oh well. Off to have a good cry now.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Frustration Why is it that every time I try to plan ahead and get ahead of the game it never works. I dropped off my Repronex prescription 3 weeks ago and its still not ready. I knew that it was going to take awhile to get the insurance sorted out. So I thought 2 weeks would be plenty of time. For those of you that don't know I was a pharmacy technicion prior to becoming a SAHM. So I know exactly what is required in getting this medication approved. I have in fact been doing most of the leg work myself. It seems the staff at said pharmacy cannot be bothered to pick up a phone. So I have had to call my Dr's. office twice and my insurance company once. And its still not ready. I will soon be transferring my scripts to yet another pharmacy. I only hope I will get the meds before I have to cancel my cycle. So frustrating!!!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Go Figure

Well I think its safe to say here that DH and I are TTC. We started in April with the knowledge that my PCOS would make getting pregnant with out help a true miracle. In the 6 years total we have spent TTC I have only ovulated twice, both times we conceived. So over the last 4 months I have charted my cycles and prayed. Two weeks ago we decided to use the Repronex again. I went to the Dr. got my scripts and started progesterone on the 1st to induce AF. Well guess what my chart shows that I might have ovulated on the 3rd. Well now my hopes are up. I really wasn't looking forward to the daily injections. I already have to do that when I'm pregnant. I really would love to have another miracle baby on my hands. So let the obssesing begin.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Our story

I wanted to start with the story of our triplets. But I'm really having a hard time putting it into words.
To start we struggled with infertility for 5 years before we were blessed with our miracle Riley. So we were really surprised with how quickly we conceived for the second time. We knew that there would always be a chance for multiples given the fertility meds I had taken. I really thought we were going to have twins. We were completely blown away when we saw 3. Other than Dr. M's concern for baby C at first. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I took Zofran 24-7, and tried to figure out how to care for 4 kids under 2. Dr. S had promised me bed-rest at 18 weeks so I was just tying up our lose ends.
On Oct 8Th we had our BIG ULTRASOUND. We then discovered we were having 2 girls and 1 boy. It was only 3 days later that Mackenzie's water broke. I was admitted to the hospital on strict bed-rest. Despite our best efforts Mackenzie was born 5 days later on Oct 16Th 2008 at 18 weeks and 2 days. It was obvious with her delivery that her aimniotic sack had been infected.
For the next 2 weeks we fought for Patrick and Abigail. But on Oct 30Th the infection won. I became septic and was forced to deliver my babies or die.
I will forever be greatfull for the short time my babies lived. I will never forget Kenzie grabing hold of my finger. I'm so glad we were able to hold them kiss them take thier pictures. Well thats all I can write for now.