Withdrawing

I've found myself quite conflicted lately. My babies birthday's are rapidly approaching. I can't even begin to put into words how that makes me feel. I sent out invitations to the balloon release last week. I'm not surprised that I've only received two replies. We only sent invitations to immediate family members. While I've accepted this behavior from our families. It leaves me wondering if we should have kept the balloon release just Shawn, Riley, and I. It just leaves me feeling so very tired.
But on the other hand. I'm full of hope. We finally finished our cycle. We had one beautiful follicle ready to go. My blood test is on the 5TH. I find myself to be a oxymoron of sorts. A fertile infertile. Every cycle I have ovulated I have conceived. But then I've only ever ovulated twice. So Shawn and I are trying to stay optimistic. I have a gut feeling that we are due for a failed cycle. But time will tell. Anyways the hope this cycle has brought to our family has left me feeling very conflicted. One minute I'm down in the dumps the next I'm happily planning my next pregnancy. Then I'm feeling guilty for feeling good.
Anyways my point is that all of this has me withdrawing from my blog, my friends, everything except for Shawn and Riley. So I hope you will all understand why I haven't been around or posting on other blogs. I hope to have this all figured out soon.

Hopeful

This is a dramatic change from how I was feeling just a few days ago. Funny how good news makes everything better. My cycle is finally moving in the right direction yesterdays scan showed a 14mm follie. So the plan is to trigger on Monday. Then I start the two week wait. I'm so excited that all these shots weren't for nothing. But I may have gotten ahead of myself. See I've always tried to surprise Shawn with the news that we are expecting. Not an easy task when he knows the date of my beta. I've even gone as far as begging my Dr. to let me test a day early. Well this time I won't be able to fib about the blood test. So feeling way too hopeful I ordered this shirt for Riley. With the wording changed to The Big Sister Again. Now I really do have to get pregnant.

Day 30

Yup today is my 30TH day of injections. So far nothing exciting to report. I have yet another scan tomorrow. Increasing my dosage has helped just not as much as we had hoped. I hope we will see some progress. If not I'm seriously thinking about calling it quits. Shawn starts school again on Monday. To say I've gotten spoiled is an understatement. Having him home at 5 has been great. He will be back to 6am to 9pm. Not real productive for baby making. So if this cycle is a bust. We will be forced to take a break until December. We hope to sneak in a cycle while he's on winter break.
I'm just feeling really defeated. This has been my longest most stressful cycle yet. I'm starting to think I just not meant to have anymore children. I got some great news today my dear sweet cousin A is pregnant again. Now she has had 3 losses. So she really deserves this. But I feel like a complete A$$. I want to be happy for her but I'm so jealous and angry. Why is it she can get pregnant so easily? Her husband is a accountant. So they were ttc so they could have a specific due date. Come on! I started this cycle hoping for a May due date and now it's June if I'm lucky. I would love nothing more than to throw a fit worthy of my two year old. Complete with throwing myself on the floor. My sweet husband just pats me on the shoulder(out of hitting range) and says "Maybe its just the hormones." After 30 days he might be right.

Riley Jean

Disclaimer... This is a letter I wrote to my beautiful girl. So if your not up to it that's okay. I really do understand.

9-12-09

To my beautiful Riley Jean,

After 5 years of infertility treatments your Daddy and I were overjoyed to learn that you were on your way. Then at 20 weeks the Dr's told us you might have Downs syndrome but we didn't care. Of all the problems they said you would have they never found the one thing that was wrong. You were born with two holes in your heart. It took your Dr. 2 months to figure out why you weren't growing. At 5 months old weighing in at only 9 pounds you had open heart surgery.

Today two years have passed. I can not believe the vivacious little girl you have become. I look back on your baby pictures and you look so tiny and fragile. Nothing like the bundle of joy and energy you are now. J was commenting on your beautiful laugh Sunday and I realized for the first time that your first laugh was after your surgery, you never had the energy before then. Your surgery was a frightening time for us. I thought I had faced the worst fear you would face as a parent. I had spent 3 months hovering over you praying for your little heart to be healed. I held you, prayed, and rocked you before they took you to the O.R. I now know that I was clueless. They brought you back to me. You have made a remarkable recovery. The only proof of your surgery that remains is the ever fading scar. I'm so thankful my love that you are healthy, whole, and here. You my dear sweet daughter have helped to heal my heart more than you will ever know. You are the reason I get up every morning. All my love, hugs, and kisses.
Mommy

Crappy Day

I had a crappy day today. I had an 8:30 am appointment at my GYN for a follicle check. I hate bringing my daughter with me. It is an OB office but they try to keep the morning appointments for fertility treatments. I'm always afraid that another woman struggling with infertility will see her. Some days I would like to put I sign around her neck that says "Miracle baby, Mommy and Daddy waited five years for me." But we are keeping this cycle a secret so I don't have a choice.

Today I wanted a sign around my neck. There is only one ultrasound machine in their office. So when 9:15 had come and gone I started to worry. Not for me, but why would someone need such a long ultrasound. It was 10am before I got my ultrasound. By the time I was done getting bad news about my cycle. Riley was in a full terrible two temper tantrum, I can't blame her. As I was scheduling my next appointment Riley hit the full hysterics portion of the fit. Throwing herself on the floor in front of the exit door. Well at the same moment this young woman and her husband are quickly heading for the exit. She is openly sobbing and all I could think was " No not another one." I tried desperately to get Riley out of the way. In that moment I wanted to tell her so much. I wanted her to know she was not alone. I wanted her to know that I understand her pain. I wanted to hold her and cry with her. I stood there wishing I had bereaved mother tattooed on my forehead. All I managed was "I'm sorry." I'm sure she thought I was apologizing about my daughter being in the way. I meant so much more.

As a side note two things.

1. For the few who are following my cycle. After 21 days of injections the one and only tiny follicle I have has shrunk dramatically. So Dr. M has now agreed to up my dosage. I really hope things improve soon. I hate PCOS.

2. Anyone know the best way to get smoke damage off your kitchen walls? Yep, I set my stove on fire. No one was injured but its been a really crappy day.

Memories

I was reduced to a blubbering mess today by one little picture. We sent this picture to my in-laws with the following message from Riley. "Hi Grandma and Grandpa. Mommy and Daddy told me I could tell you a big secret." Less than twenty min. after sending the e-mail we called them and told them to check their e-mail because we couldn't wait. I could hear my Mother in-law screaming across the room. We were all so happy. We didn't even know I was pregnant with triplets yet. That was only July 13TH of last year. It feels so long ago.

We went to PIG OUT this weekend its a local event where restaurants come to our park and serve all kinds of delicious food for under $9 a plate. Lots of live music, always a great time. All I could think of was how last year I had to show everyone in my family our first ultrasound photo and see how long it took them to notice how many babies there were. I also had to try 3 different plates of food before I could find something that wouldn't make me sick. I spent this year eating my first choice and wishing I was nauseous. I'm so tired of looking backwards. When will I be able to look forward again?

Questions

I had a lot of unanswered questions when I lost my babies. Most revolved around why? But as time went on I found that the answers to the majority of my questions didn't matter. Nothing would bring my babies back. Nothing would erase the pain of my new life as a bereaved mother. I've made peace with this.
Accept for one question. Why must some of us face multiple losses? I know that I fall into some sort of gray area where I have lost only one pregnancy with three babies in two deliveries. But why must some go through the pain of losing a pregnancy or child. Face their fears try again only to lose everything all over again? Haven't they endured enough? My heart aches for all who have lost so much. My heart goes out to Mirne and Craig http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/ as they mourn not only Jet but his big sister Freyja and big brother Kees. Also to my sweet cousin A missing sweet little Jacob and two other babies.
Hoping for a better day. Real real soon.

Help

Ladies I need your help. I'm really struggling lately. Sunday marked 10 months and 2weeks for Kenzie and 10 months for Pat and Abby. While that didn't set me back as much as I thought. I find myself overwhelmed by their approaching birthdays. Less than 2 months away. Has it really been that long? I've been writing my story in the hopes of purging some of this increasing sorrow. I miss then so much.
Its become more and more apparent that everyone around me feels like we should be over it by now. The constant questions? Are you pregnant? Are you trying? Do they think a new baby will make everything better. That we will have another child and forget about our triplets. Never! How do I make them understand that we will never be over this. That just because I've gotten better at not crying in public. Doesn't mean my heart's not in a thousand pieces everyday. We are not trying to replace our babies. We want Riley to have a sibling close in age and if that is going to happen well we have to try again (not looking promising on that front either).
I want to celebrate their birthdays. But here is were I need help. I don't know what to do. In a perfect world Shawn Riley and I would have a cake for each of them on their actual birthdays. And all of our family and friends would join us for a balloon release on the Saturday between their birthdays. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to drag out the celebrations over 3 weeks. Plus I don't think my family and friends would understand the balloon release. Shawn says to invite everyone and if they don't come to just forget them. But I can't do that. Every person that no showed would break my heart. But my babies deserve to be celebrated. And each on their special day. Sometimes I really wish they didn't have birthdays 2 weeks apart. So what would you do? Also any tips on how to put together an invitation that won't sound morbid or depressing. And for any of you that have done a balloon release. What did you do? What would you do differently? Any tips or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thanks.