Crappy Day

I had a crappy day today. I had an 8:30 am appointment at my GYN for a follicle check. I hate bringing my daughter with me. It is an OB office but they try to keep the morning appointments for fertility treatments. I'm always afraid that another woman struggling with infertility will see her. Some days I would like to put I sign around her neck that says "Miracle baby, Mommy and Daddy waited five years for me." But we are keeping this cycle a secret so I don't have a choice.

Today I wanted a sign around my neck. There is only one ultrasound machine in their office. So when 9:15 had come and gone I started to worry. Not for me, but why would someone need such a long ultrasound. It was 10am before I got my ultrasound. By the time I was done getting bad news about my cycle. Riley was in a full terrible two temper tantrum, I can't blame her. As I was scheduling my next appointment Riley hit the full hysterics portion of the fit. Throwing herself on the floor in front of the exit door. Well at the same moment this young woman and her husband are quickly heading for the exit. She is openly sobbing and all I could think was " No not another one." I tried desperately to get Riley out of the way. In that moment I wanted to tell her so much. I wanted her to know she was not alone. I wanted her to know that I understand her pain. I wanted to hold her and cry with her. I stood there wishing I had bereaved mother tattooed on my forehead. All I managed was "I'm sorry." I'm sure she thought I was apologizing about my daughter being in the way. I meant so much more.

As a side note two things.

1. For the few who are following my cycle. After 21 days of injections the one and only tiny follicle I have has shrunk dramatically. So Dr. M has now agreed to up my dosage. I really hope things improve soon. I hate PCOS.

2. Anyone know the best way to get smoke damage off your kitchen walls? Yep, I set my stove on fire. No one was injured but its been a really crappy day.

Memories

I was reduced to a blubbering mess today by one little picture. We sent this picture to my in-laws with the following message from Riley. "Hi Grandma and Grandpa. Mommy and Daddy told me I could tell you a big secret." Less than twenty min. after sending the e-mail we called them and told them to check their e-mail because we couldn't wait. I could hear my Mother in-law screaming across the room. We were all so happy. We didn't even know I was pregnant with triplets yet. That was only July 13TH of last year. It feels so long ago.

We went to PIG OUT this weekend its a local event where restaurants come to our park and serve all kinds of delicious food for under $9 a plate. Lots of live music, always a great time. All I could think of was how last year I had to show everyone in my family our first ultrasound photo and see how long it took them to notice how many babies there were. I also had to try 3 different plates of food before I could find something that wouldn't make me sick. I spent this year eating my first choice and wishing I was nauseous. I'm so tired of looking backwards. When will I be able to look forward again?

Questions

I had a lot of unanswered questions when I lost my babies. Most revolved around why? But as time went on I found that the answers to the majority of my questions didn't matter. Nothing would bring my babies back. Nothing would erase the pain of my new life as a bereaved mother. I've made peace with this.
Accept for one question. Why must some of us face multiple losses? I know that I fall into some sort of gray area where I have lost only one pregnancy with three babies in two deliveries. But why must some go through the pain of losing a pregnancy or child. Face their fears try again only to lose everything all over again? Haven't they endured enough? My heart aches for all who have lost so much. My heart goes out to Mirne and Craig http://freyja-kees-lovedsomuch.blogspot.com/ as they mourn not only Jet but his big sister Freyja and big brother Kees. Also to my sweet cousin A missing sweet little Jacob and two other babies.
Hoping for a better day. Real real soon.

Help

Ladies I need your help. I'm really struggling lately. Sunday marked 10 months and 2weeks for Kenzie and 10 months for Pat and Abby. While that didn't set me back as much as I thought. I find myself overwhelmed by their approaching birthdays. Less than 2 months away. Has it really been that long? I've been writing my story in the hopes of purging some of this increasing sorrow. I miss then so much.
Its become more and more apparent that everyone around me feels like we should be over it by now. The constant questions? Are you pregnant? Are you trying? Do they think a new baby will make everything better. That we will have another child and forget about our triplets. Never! How do I make them understand that we will never be over this. That just because I've gotten better at not crying in public. Doesn't mean my heart's not in a thousand pieces everyday. We are not trying to replace our babies. We want Riley to have a sibling close in age and if that is going to happen well we have to try again (not looking promising on that front either).
I want to celebrate their birthdays. But here is were I need help. I don't know what to do. In a perfect world Shawn Riley and I would have a cake for each of them on their actual birthdays. And all of our family and friends would join us for a balloon release on the Saturday between their birthdays. But I don't know if I'm strong enough to drag out the celebrations over 3 weeks. Plus I don't think my family and friends would understand the balloon release. Shawn says to invite everyone and if they don't come to just forget them. But I can't do that. Every person that no showed would break my heart. But my babies deserve to be celebrated. And each on their special day. Sometimes I really wish they didn't have birthdays 2 weeks apart. So what would you do? Also any tips on how to put together an invitation that won't sound morbid or depressing. And for any of you that have done a balloon release. What did you do? What would you do differently? Any tips or thoughts are greatly appreciated. Thanks.