Happy Birthday Pat and Abby

Happy Birthday my loves. Its so hard for me to believe its been a year. Your big sister blew out your candles for you. I hope you heard us singing. I love you and miss you so.

Forgive my appearance. 3 weeks of bed rest and septic shock. I never fully realized how sick I was until I saw this picture. Right after Shawn took this picture I was taken to the ICU.

Venting

I haven't been around much. I was really doing okay until Tuesday. A "friend" of mine had her second child a beautiful healthy baby boy and I fell apart. I will admit that I've been struggling with their pregnancy form the get go. Which is such a change from how I've been handling other pregnancies around me. I understand a few of the reasons I've been over sensitive.
1. They know I'm infertile and yet they complain about getting pregnant on the first try. If your not ready don't try.
2. She was due on Pat and Abby's birthday. It is such a huge relief that he doesn't share a birthday with my triplets.
3. They have avoided Shawn and I like the plague. We've tried to spend time with them tried to talk with them. Case in point we invited them to spend the afternoon with us let our daughters play together. Visit watch a movie eat some pizza. They invited another couple without our knowledge. People we don't even know and spent the whole time visiting with this other couple like we weren't even there.
4. I still drug myself to her baby shower. Where she turned her nose up at my gift (gift certificate for hand and foot impressions) sorry I still can't pick out cute little boy outfits. At least this time she didn't ignore me.
I'm trying so desperately to save our friendship. I can't just cut her out of my life. Both of our families are taking on leadership roles in our church. She's not worth leaving the church we love and I don't see her going anywhere anytime soon. So I have to salvage this relationship. I'm sure my attitude will improve with time and I really do love the little guy and his parents they are just clueless to the unintentional pain they cause. I will calm down and I'm sure they will be forgiven by this time next week. Its just so raw right now. I just have no idea on how to educate them so they can understand when and how they have hurt us. They didn't hurt me by getting pregnant I wish them nothing but the best. I want them to have all the beautiful healthy children they want. It was all in their behavior towards us, and I'm sure they thought they were protecting us. Every time I tried to ask her how the pregnancy was going she would change the subject. I brought it up. If I don't want to know I wont ask! Okay that's enough venting. Thanks for reading. I will share about the balloon release tomorrow on Pat and Abby's day.

Happy Birthday Mackenzie Rae

Dearest Kenzie,
Today is you first birthday. I just wanted to tell you how glad I am that I got to be your mommy. You are such an amazing little girl. Your daddy and I still believe that you left my uterus because you knew you were sick, and you sacrificed yourself so that your brother and sister could have a chance. We love you so much and not a day goes by without me wishing you were here. I love you.

Wave of Light

Tonight I remember not only my triplets but all of the babies that should be here today.

10-30-08 The End

This may be a little graphic.

4 am I awoke shaking uncontrollably. For a moment I thought I was cold. It was the same kind of chills that you get when you have a fever. I waited for about ten minutes before I called the nurse. By the time she came in I couldn't hold still. It felt like every muscle in my body had cramped up and wouldn't let go. By the time Dr. C arrived I was crying and screaming from the pain. I had a slight fever so they drew blood to check my white cells. The nurses started calling Shawn and my Mom. They gave me Tylenol and Benadryl hoping that my muscles would relax. When that didn't work they gave me some Morphine. The blood work came back and my white cells were elevated with a shift to the left. But we already knew I was septic. My heart rate was in the 160's and my blood pressure was really low. My Mom was on her way. But the nurses couldn't get a hold of Shawn. He is such a sound sleeper. At 5 am I started having contractions. Dr. C was heart broken he really wanted to save my babies. The only thing that would stand a chance of stopping my contractions was the Terb. But my heart rate was too high to risk it. I told him "I know what's happening I have to deliver them." At about 6 am the shaking began to ease up it didn't stop until the next day. Shawn finally arrived completely clueless as to what was going on. I will never forget the look on his face when he realized that I would have to deliver. He never understood how sick I was until he was back at work and googled "septic shock". Dr. S came in at 8 am and removed the cerclage at that point I was at 5 cm. Dr. S said I could get an epidural at any time. Well the anesthesiologist would even come talk to me they can't give a septic patient an epidural it would have given me meningitis. So they gave me a Morphine drip. So I labored the next few hours breathing through the shakes and contractions. Shawn and my Mom by my side. There wasn't much conversation. I just had Shawn put our Coldplay CD on and tried to focus on the music. That's why those songs are on my play list. At 11 am Dr. S started me on Pitocin to hurry things along. My nurse J check me at 11:45 and said I was complete. I was told not to push as that could injure Pat and Abby. So I waited. At noon I began to feel something. I called for my nurse and let the contractions push Patrick from my body. Shawn says he saw Patrick do a flip in his sack before the nurse broke his bag of waters. The nurse cut his cord and laid him on my chest. It took almost 10 minutes before his placenta came out. I was trying so hard to focus on my time with Patrick but the contractions kept coming and the drugs had me feeling so foggy. A few moments later I felt something else coming and called for the nurse again. At 12:57 Abigail was delivered the same as her brother. When the nurse broke her bag of waters it was obvious she was sick. She was so hot to the touch she was burning up. As I held Abby, Shawn held Patrick. After I delivered Abby's placenta Shawn was able to hold them both while Dr. S had to extract Kenzie's placenta. They let me stay with my babies in L&D for the rest of the afternoon. But later that evening my breathing became labored so I was taken to the ICU. Both of my lungs had partially collapsed. So 24 hrs. in the ICU and 2 blood transfusions later, I was sent to the mother baby floor. Yet again Shawn's brother R had let us down. We had called R and told him what had happened with his promise that he would tell the rest of Shawn's family. So I was very surprised by a visit from his aunt and cousin thinking I was still pregnant. I regret the Morphine it did nothing for the pain and left me so numb. I didn't cry until I was sent to the ICU. I have very few clear memories from that day. Other than the physical sensations of the contractions and my babies slipping from my body. Those I will never forget.

Negative

So now I wait for my next cycle to start. Should be fun massive amounts of hormones on my triplets birthday's. All my lovely "symptoms" were real just not pregnancy symptoms. I guess I have my first bladder infection. So at least I'm not crazy.

3 Things

Number One: October wasn't supposed to come. My babies birthday's will be here soon. I wish I could skip this month. It can't be a year.

Number Two: I will finish the final chapter of our story before their birthday's.

Number Three: My beta is tomorrow. I feel pregnant but I'm afraid its all in my head.