Withdrawing

I've found myself quite conflicted lately. My babies birthday's are rapidly approaching. I can't even begin to put into words how that makes me feel. I sent out invitations to the balloon release last week. I'm not surprised that I've only received two replies. We only sent invitations to immediate family members. While I've accepted this behavior from our families. It leaves me wondering if we should have kept the balloon release just Shawn, Riley, and I. It just leaves me feeling so very tired.
But on the other hand. I'm full of hope. We finally finished our cycle. We had one beautiful follicle ready to go. My blood test is on the 5TH. I find myself to be a oxymoron of sorts. A fertile infertile. Every cycle I have ovulated I have conceived. But then I've only ever ovulated twice. So Shawn and I are trying to stay optimistic. I have a gut feeling that we are due for a failed cycle. But time will tell. Anyways the hope this cycle has brought to our family has left me feeling very conflicted. One minute I'm down in the dumps the next I'm happily planning my next pregnancy. Then I'm feeling guilty for feeling good.
Anyways my point is that all of this has me withdrawing from my blog, my friends, everything except for Shawn and Riley. So I hope you will all understand why I haven't been around or posting on other blogs. I hope to have this all figured out soon.

Hopeful

This is a dramatic change from how I was feeling just a few days ago. Funny how good news makes everything better. My cycle is finally moving in the right direction yesterdays scan showed a 14mm follie. So the plan is to trigger on Monday. Then I start the two week wait. I'm so excited that all these shots weren't for nothing. But I may have gotten ahead of myself. See I've always tried to surprise Shawn with the news that we are expecting. Not an easy task when he knows the date of my beta. I've even gone as far as begging my Dr. to let me test a day early. Well this time I won't be able to fib about the blood test. So feeling way too hopeful I ordered this shirt for Riley. With the wording changed to The Big Sister Again. Now I really do have to get pregnant.

Day 30

Yup today is my 30TH day of injections. So far nothing exciting to report. I have yet another scan tomorrow. Increasing my dosage has helped just not as much as we had hoped. I hope we will see some progress. If not I'm seriously thinking about calling it quits. Shawn starts school again on Monday. To say I've gotten spoiled is an understatement. Having him home at 5 has been great. He will be back to 6am to 9pm. Not real productive for baby making. So if this cycle is a bust. We will be forced to take a break until December. We hope to sneak in a cycle while he's on winter break.
I'm just feeling really defeated. This has been my longest most stressful cycle yet. I'm starting to think I just not meant to have anymore children. I got some great news today my dear sweet cousin A is pregnant again. Now she has had 3 losses. So she really deserves this. But I feel like a complete A$$. I want to be happy for her but I'm so jealous and angry. Why is it she can get pregnant so easily? Her husband is a accountant. So they were ttc so they could have a specific due date. Come on! I started this cycle hoping for a May due date and now it's June if I'm lucky. I would love nothing more than to throw a fit worthy of my two year old. Complete with throwing myself on the floor. My sweet husband just pats me on the shoulder(out of hitting range) and says "Maybe its just the hormones." After 30 days he might be right.

Riley Jean

Disclaimer... This is a letter I wrote to my beautiful girl. So if your not up to it that's okay. I really do understand.

9-12-09

To my beautiful Riley Jean,

After 5 years of infertility treatments your Daddy and I were overjoyed to learn that you were on your way. Then at 20 weeks the Dr's told us you might have Downs syndrome but we didn't care. Of all the problems they said you would have they never found the one thing that was wrong. You were born with two holes in your heart. It took your Dr. 2 months to figure out why you weren't growing. At 5 months old weighing in at only 9 pounds you had open heart surgery.

Today two years have passed. I can not believe the vivacious little girl you have become. I look back on your baby pictures and you look so tiny and fragile. Nothing like the bundle of joy and energy you are now. J was commenting on your beautiful laugh Sunday and I realized for the first time that your first laugh was after your surgery, you never had the energy before then. Your surgery was a frightening time for us. I thought I had faced the worst fear you would face as a parent. I had spent 3 months hovering over you praying for your little heart to be healed. I held you, prayed, and rocked you before they took you to the O.R. I now know that I was clueless. They brought you back to me. You have made a remarkable recovery. The only proof of your surgery that remains is the ever fading scar. I'm so thankful my love that you are healthy, whole, and here. You my dear sweet daughter have helped to heal my heart more than you will ever know. You are the reason I get up every morning. All my love, hugs, and kisses.
Mommy