Withdrawing

I've found myself quite conflicted lately. My babies birthday's are rapidly approaching. I can't even begin to put into words how that makes me feel. I sent out invitations to the balloon release last week. I'm not surprised that I've only received two replies. We only sent invitations to immediate family members. While I've accepted this behavior from our families. It leaves me wondering if we should have kept the balloon release just Shawn, Riley, and I. It just leaves me feeling so very tired.
But on the other hand. I'm full of hope. We finally finished our cycle. We had one beautiful follicle ready to go. My blood test is on the 5TH. I find myself to be a oxymoron of sorts. A fertile infertile. Every cycle I have ovulated I have conceived. But then I've only ever ovulated twice. So Shawn and I are trying to stay optimistic. I have a gut feeling that we are due for a failed cycle. But time will tell. Anyways the hope this cycle has brought to our family has left me feeling very conflicted. One minute I'm down in the dumps the next I'm happily planning my next pregnancy. Then I'm feeling guilty for feeling good.
Anyways my point is that all of this has me withdrawing from my blog, my friends, everything except for Shawn and Riley. So I hope you will all understand why I haven't been around or posting on other blogs. I hope to have this all figured out soon.

Crappy Day

I had a crappy day today. I had an 8:30 am appointment at my GYN for a follicle check. I hate bringing my daughter with me. It is an OB office but they try to keep the morning appointments for fertility treatments. I'm always afraid that another woman struggling with infertility will see her. Some days I would like to put I sign around her neck that says "Miracle baby, Mommy and Daddy waited five years for me." But we are keeping this cycle a secret so I don't have a choice.

Today I wanted a sign around my neck. There is only one ultrasound machine in their office. So when 9:15 had come and gone I started to worry. Not for me, but why would someone need such a long ultrasound. It was 10am before I got my ultrasound. By the time I was done getting bad news about my cycle. Riley was in a full terrible two temper tantrum, I can't blame her. As I was scheduling my next appointment Riley hit the full hysterics portion of the fit. Throwing herself on the floor in front of the exit door. Well at the same moment this young woman and her husband are quickly heading for the exit. She is openly sobbing and all I could think was " No not another one." I tried desperately to get Riley out of the way. In that moment I wanted to tell her so much. I wanted her to know she was not alone. I wanted her to know that I understand her pain. I wanted to hold her and cry with her. I stood there wishing I had bereaved mother tattooed on my forehead. All I managed was "I'm sorry." I'm sure she thought I was apologizing about my daughter being in the way. I meant so much more.

As a side note two things.

1. For the few who are following my cycle. After 21 days of injections the one and only tiny follicle I have has shrunk dramatically. So Dr. M has now agreed to up my dosage. I really hope things improve soon. I hate PCOS.

2. Anyone know the best way to get smoke damage off your kitchen walls? Yep, I set my stove on fire. No one was injured but its been a really crappy day.

Naive

My Brother told me last night that this cycle will fail. That brought me back to a memory. Of my first injectable cycle. After five years of treatment it was the first time I had ever ovulated. I was on my way out the door for my first ever beta (blood test). So I asked him if he thought I was pregnant. He looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm sorry Steph but no." The next time I saw him I marched right up to him and said " You were wrong Uncle Sam."
Uncle Sam... I was making the biggest assumption of my life. I assumed I would stay pregnant. I assumed there would be a baby. I will never be that naive again.

Our story

I wanted to start with the story of our triplets. But I'm really having a hard time putting it into words.
To start we struggled with infertility for 5 years before we were blessed with our miracle Riley. So we were really surprised with how quickly we conceived for the second time. We knew that there would always be a chance for multiples given the fertility meds I had taken. I really thought we were going to have twins. We were completely blown away when we saw 3. Other than Dr. M's concern for baby C at first. My pregnancy was pretty uneventful. I took Zofran 24-7, and tried to figure out how to care for 4 kids under 2. Dr. S had promised me bed-rest at 18 weeks so I was just tying up our lose ends.
On Oct 8Th we had our BIG ULTRASOUND. We then discovered we were having 2 girls and 1 boy. It was only 3 days later that Mackenzie's water broke. I was admitted to the hospital on strict bed-rest. Despite our best efforts Mackenzie was born 5 days later on Oct 16Th 2008 at 18 weeks and 2 days. It was obvious with her delivery that her aimniotic sack had been infected.
For the next 2 weeks we fought for Patrick and Abigail. But on Oct 30Th the infection won. I became septic and was forced to deliver my babies or die.
I will forever be greatfull for the short time my babies lived. I will never forget Kenzie grabing hold of my finger. I'm so glad we were able to hold them kiss them take thier pictures. Well thats all I can write for now.