10-24 to 10-29 The Calm Before The Storm

Things really started to look up after placing the cerclage. I was allowed to sit up during meals. And best of all no more catheter, bedpan and I was even allowed my first shower in 13 days. I nearly passed out when I stood up though. I was very weak and shaky still having the occasional bouts of contractions. I was so afraid to get out of that bed. For almost two weeks I had been laying on my back with my feet in the air. I had gotten so used to the idea of making a wrong move and having Kenzie fall out. That I didn't want to move. Laying in that bed had become my life line. At this point they started taking me to my daily ultrasounds still in my bed though. It was amazing to get out of my room for the first time. My first glimpse out a window brought me to tears. The leaves had changed colors. Everything was still bright and green when my water broke. The amazing benefit of going to the ultrasound was a better machine. I often wonder if the ultrasound techs. knew I was going to lose my babies. They gave me so many amazing pictures that now are so precious to me. 24 hours post cerclage I was still infection free and the Dr's in there infinite wisdom sent me to the anti-partum unit. Mind you the last 2 weeks I had been on the labor and delivery floor. I'm sure you can all imagine what it was like hearing new babies born everyday in the rooms around me. The nights after losing Kenzie were the worst. It was never the screaming moms or the babies it was the family members in the halls. One of my favorite night nurses would keep me updated about two other moms that were fighting to save their babies. I don't know what happened to them but I would pray and pray for them in the dark. In my opinion the anti-partum unit was worse that L&D. The families and babies were louder. The nurses didn't have a clue how to care for me. Most of them didn't know how to run my IV. My room change was short lived with in 24 hours I was back at L&D as my contractions increased. On the 27Th my Dr's agreed that if I was still infection free on the 31st that I would go home on the 1st. This was exciting and terrifying at the same time. How on earth would I be able to enforce strict bed rest with an 18 month old. On the 28TH I began to feel a little off. I had a stuffy nose and my lungs felt a little tight. Dr. C told me it was just a cold and that all my blood work looked great. My appetite also took a nose dive. Bad idea when you are on as much insulin as I was. I bottomed out my blood sugar. Now I know that these were my beginning symptoms. I must have know it was coming. That afternoon my brother had come for a visit. I had the "TALK" with him. What to do if I became septic and didn't make it. I told him when to pull the plug if it came to that. I showed him the urns I wanted for Pat and Abby. I even had one picked out for me. I saved letters to Shawn and Riley on his laptop. I knew my death was a very real possibility. The 29Th was a great day. My parents in an attempt to cheer me up surprised me with Riley dressed in her Halloween costume. My mother had made her the cutest clown costume. I was feeling better and Riley got to feel the babies for the first time. That was my last day with Pat and Abby.

Honest Scrap Award

Heather http://twoinheavenoneonearth.blogspot.com/ was so kind to nominate me for the Honest Scrap Award. Thank you so much Heather. I just spent most of the evening reading your blog for the first time. This really means a lot to me. I wasn't even sure that I wanted to start a blog. When I finally decided to put my hurt out there. I promised myself that I would write about everything and always be honest about how I was feeling. No matter what anyone else thought.



There are some rules to accept this award. Firstly, pass the award on to 7 other bloggers and secondly, list 10 honest and hopefully interesting things about yourself.



1. Sarah http://footprintsofangels.blogspot.com/
2. Nan http://rememberingourtripletangels.blogspot.com/
3. Beth http://safeinthishouse.blogspot.com/
4. Courtney http://journey2babypeek.blogspot.com/
5. Kayla http://gpandcounting.blogspot.com/
6.Lea http://nicholastouch.blogspot.com/
7. BluebirdSinging http://singingtotheroses.blogspot.com/


And now 10 things about me:


1. I hate writing. I've never been good at it and I force myself to write this blog.

2. My husband told me he knew he would marry me the day we met. But I had to chase him for three months before he would date me.

3. I bought my first car when I was 20. I got my drivers licence 6 months later.

4. I drove with my brother from Washington state to Oklahoma in December 2003 with out stopping. When my husband returned from Iraq 4 months early because he was injured.

5. I have a 30 gallon aquarium with one angelfish I call Killer because it has eaten all of my other fish.

6. Our wedding was backwards. We had our reception before the ceremony. Which was a good thing considering my husband was an hour late.

7. My daughter Riley had open heart surgery when she was 5 months old.

8. I would love to work in the medical field. But I can't handle the sight of blood. So I took my second choice as a pharmacy technician.

9. I pulled over somewhere in the middle of Montana. Just to show my mother in law how to make a snow angel. She'd never seen snow before.

10. All 4 of my babies middle names honor one of their grandparents.

The Secret Garden Meeting August

The Secret Garden Meeting is a blog for bereaved parents.
August
If you created a bedroom for your baby tell us what it was like.Did you have it ready for them before they were born?If so how did you cope coming home to it without your baby?Did you pack it all away?What is your baby's room now?If you lost your baby after they had come home what is it like going into there room now?If you are trying to conceive again, or are pregnant again how do you feel about setting up another room before your baby is born?

The only room in our house big enough for three cribs is our master bedroom. We were going to put 1 crib and 1 bassinet in our room for as long as we could. When that became to crowded. Shawn and I were going to move downstairs. We had moved Riley's changing table into our room. That is as far as we got. So the triplet's room is my bedroom. So many nights I lay in bed thinking I shouldn't be there. I should be listening to three sleeping babies not my dog snoring. We left the changing table in our room. Everything else is in our basement. I've been blindsided many times by the three car seats next to the freezer. If we are blessed with another child. We will have the crib in our room until their first birthday. After that I don't know.

Naive

My Brother told me last night that this cycle will fail. That brought me back to a memory. Of my first injectable cycle. After five years of treatment it was the first time I had ever ovulated. I was on my way out the door for my first ever beta (blood test). So I asked him if he thought I was pregnant. He looked me straight in the eyes and said "I'm sorry Steph but no." The next time I saw him I marched right up to him and said " You were wrong Uncle Sam."
Uncle Sam... I was making the biggest assumption of my life. I assumed I would stay pregnant. I assumed there would be a baby. I will never be that naive again.